Hey, happy New Year and shit. Wasn’t 2009 grand? It was if you liked reality TV breakups, sports star affairs and a sagging economy. Well at least we can now start referring to the aughts, which ought to get you super pumped for the decade soon-to-be-known as the twenty-tens … or something. Anyway, we don’t believe in resolutions, which is exactly why we make ‘em. Woot!

1 Master the boob enlargement tool in PhotoShop.

2 See more movies.

3 Give more of a fuck.

4 Less simulated fellatio in front of kids.

5 Go where no website has gone before.

6 Stop saving to buy Kirk Hammett’s house in San Francisco.

7 Sniff glue.
8 Worship Satan.

9 See a doctor about sudden appearance of nipples on ass cheeks.

10 Screw with more small town newspapers.