Welcome to the second installment of “If GG Allin Were on…,” a recurring feature that finds GG Allin guest-starring in a number of today’s top TV shows. Tonight’s episode: ‘Lost.’

[EXT. JUNGLE -- DAY]

(The camera slowly moves through the jungle leaves.)

JACK: How much further is it?

GG: About the distance from your mouth to my cock.

JACK: Very funny. You want to tell me where we’re going, GG?

GG: You want to eat my fuck Jack?

(Jack stops walking.)

JACK: Tell me where we’re going. Tell me why you brought me out here, or I’m going to turn around.

LOCKE: (off-screen) He brought you out here because I asked him to.

(They turn. Locke steps out from the trees. He’s a short distance away from them.)

LOCKE: I asked him not to tell you. I wanted you to have an open mind.

JACK: An open mind about what?

GG: I want you to watch me shit. And then I want you to watch me eat my shit. And then I want you to watch me smear my shit all over my body.

LOCKE: I think it’s a good idea Jack.

JACK: Explain to me how this could possibly be a good idea John.

LOCKE: He’s an artist Jack, it’s what he does. Trust me, I think you’ll enjoy it. He did it for Kate last night, and she seemed to like it.

JACK: You defecated in front of Kate? You’re a real sicko, you know that?

GG: She kept talking about how much she was craving chocolate, so I produced some special soft serve for her right there on the beach.

LOCKE: He’s not like you and I Jack. He’s different. Underneath all that piss and blood is a scared little boy who just wants to be loved. Let him crap for you. What harm can come from it? Consider it a favor to me ok?

JACK: What harm can come from it? How about Hepatitis A. No thanks John, I’m not interested.

(Suddenly, a mysterious cloud of dense black smoke emerges from the trees and surrounds the trio in a circle. It quickly rises up to the top of the trees and then descends rapidly on GG. It surrounds him and begins entering his body via his backside.)

GG: Talk about getting smoke blown up your ass!

(GG laughs maniacally.)

[FADE OUT]

Related posts: If GG Allin Were on ‘American Idol’ This Site Is A’ight: Punk Turns 30 Pretty Fly For an Asswipe