How come the Foo Fighters don’t have an adorable chihuahua on all of their T-shirts? Why isn’t there a tough-looking half alien, half zombie on the cover of System of a Down’s new record? And why don’t Franz Ferdinand use comic book imagery to drive their merch sales? We miss the days when bands (particularly metal bands) had a mascot to go with their music. Days when band T-shirts included tour dates on the back, when stage shows included tons of pyro, and when drum solos were a neccassary part of every skinsman’s repetoire. Surely the Mars Volta would sell tons more records if they included a flying skull named Volty on their covers. And wouldn’t you be more apt to buy a My Chemical Romance hoodie were it emblazoned with a flaming Unicorn? In hopes of insipiring today’s bands to bring back the rock mascot, here are a couple classics:

Band: Iron Maiden
Mascot: Eddie
Grade: A
Verdict: Bow down before the king of all metal mascots.

Band: Anthrax
Mascot: The not man
Grade: B
Verdict: The oversized cartoon head wasn’t very metal, but he summed up the band’s sense of humor.

Band: Motley Crue
Mascot: Allister Fiend
Grade: D
Verdict: Cartoony hard rocker with space gun and two-toned hair who appeared on their early merchandise.

Band: Overkill
Mascot: Chaly, the bat-winged skull
Grade: B+
Verdict: Skulls are tough. So are bats. Why not combine the two?

Band: Dio
Mascot: Murray
Grade: B-
Verdict: Red-eyed ghoulish thingy that appeared on a number of album covers including “Holy Diver” and “The Last in Line.” But how evil can a Murray really be?

Band: Grim Reaper
Mascot: Grim reaper
Grade: F
Verdict: Generic devil mascot matches generic German metal.

Band: Megadeth
Mascot: Vic Rattlehead
Grade: D
Verdict: A big time Eddie ripoff, this well-dressed skeleton that sported shades showed up on a number of the band’s early records.

Band: Helloween
Mascot: Jack-o-lantern
Grade: C-
Verdict: The scariest vegetable in metal history.