Dear Fred,

Congratulations on landing your first primetime acting gig on NBC’s “Revelations.” While we haven’t seen the show yet, we’re pretty sure you’ll be as terrific at acting as you are at making music. You’ll probably be way better than Mick Jagger or David Bowie or Jon Bon Jovi. And hopefully the producers let you improv a little, show off your mad flow. I hear Bill Pullman can freestyle like a motherfucker. And maybe if this acting thing takes off, you can chill with Mark McGrath on the red carpet. You guys can wax poetic about the good ol’ days while the paparazzi snap sexy photos. Maybe you can even show a little nipple. Wait a minute, now that we’re thinking about it, we actually have seen you act. We saw your straight-to-internet sex video, and frankly, we thought you were a little stiff.

We’d also like to congratulate you on finally removing that red baseball cap you seem to be so fond of wearing. Guess what: You wore it so much, it made you bald! Maybe you’ll be able to snag some of the roles Bruce Willis is turning down. Anyway, we’re pleased as punch that your red-capped vanity didn’t infect the entire production. But you probably just took it off because thats what the character would have done, right? What self-respecting devil worshipper would wear a red ball cap anyway? Everyone knows devil worshippers don’t like baseball. Soccer is Satan’s game.

Let’s hope this whole shift to acting doesn’t mean you’ve gotten all mature on us. Does this mean you won’t be hanging out at the Playboy mansion anymore? Is there a double disc concept album in your future? A talk show on CNBC? You could call it “Bizness without Borderz featuring Frederick Durst.” What do you think? Give us ring if you like the idea, we’ve got some really good connections. We’re super tight with the manager of a Blockbuster in Tarzana. Seriously, good luck with everything.

Best,
YuppiePunk.org

P.S. You should marry Kirsten Dunst. Then she’d be Kirsten Dunst-Durst.