Bruce Vilanch is on this season’s “Celebrity Fit Club,” and the only thing heftier than his massive midsection is his kickass collection of slogan T-shirts. You may remember Bruce from his stint on the Whoopi-infested “Hollywood Squares,” or perhaps you saw his 1999 documentary “.” But if his face doesn’t look familiar, you’ve definitely heard the jokes he’s written for just about every star in Hollywood at any of the major award shows. So while Bruce is busy dropping pounds like Michael Jackson at Harrods, we figured we’d take a closer look at Bruce’s best assets, his T-shirts.

What the Shirt Says: Keep Staring I Might Do A Trick
Read Between the Lines: I know what I look like
Would Look Even Better On: David Blaine
Gag Factor: 6 (out of 10)

What the Shirt Says: Little Rock Meat Co., You Can’t Beat Our Meat
Read Between the Lines: I ♥ wiener
Would Look Even Better On: Johnny Knoxville
Gag Factor: 7

What the Shirt Says:Let Go Of My Ears, I Know What I’m Doing
Read Between the Lines: I ♥ fellatio
Would Look Even Better On: Dumbo
Gag Factor: 10

What the Shirt Says: Always Crabbie & Bitch
Read Between the Lines: I’m a giant queen
Would Look Even Better On: Russell Crowe
Gag Factor: 4

What the Shirt Says: It’s All About Me
Read Between the Lines: It’s all about me
Would Look Even Better On: Madonna
Gag Factor: 2

What the Shirt Says: Porn Scene Investigator
Read Between the Lines: I ♥ porn
Would Look Even Better On: Pat Robertson
Gag Factor: 8

What the Shirt Says: Keep Drinking ‘Til I’m Cute
Read Between the Lines: I have 3 chins
Would Look Even Better On: Ted Kennedy
Gag Factor: 3

What the Shirt Says: Blow Me
Read Between the Lines: I would like you to put your mouth on my penis
Would Look Even Better On: Bill Clinton
Gag Factor: 10

What the Shirt Says: Catholic Girl Gone Bad
Read Between the Lines: I’m a Jewish man
Would Look Even Better On: Sinead O’Connor
Gag Factor: 7

What the Shirt Says: You Looked Better On The Internet
Read Between the Lines: I’m afraid of long-term commitment and technology
Would Look Even Better On: Paris Hilton
Gag Factor: 3

What the Shirt Says: ↑ The Man ↓ The Legend
Read Between the Lines: People love my pecker
Would Look Even Better On: This guy
Gag Factor: 10

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